yesterday woke up from a terrible terrible nightmare. thank goodness it is a nightmare. budden i saw my clock. 9:24am. i have a meeting at 9:30am. OOOPs.

Then on my way of rushing to sch, i cant get that nightmare outta my head. sigh. then i realised all of a sudden how much that person in my nightmare really matters to me. how afraid i really am to lose that person. which is kinda sad. i mean. i always knew that person was impt. just din noe HOW impt. argh. and this is bad...

Meeting was... as usual. and i wasn even late. when i got there, only half my B.O.D was there. as usual. Arthur, the latest, came at 10:10am. Meeting was pretty boring. and then i saw that the DSC com was making a t-shirt for themselves. And our B.O.D made noise. So i started designing a 23rd Board of Directors t-shirt. hahah. let's see if anything comes out of it. Cuz u see. i have so many projects now. my LEO album, my LEO t-shirt, and i need to change that B.O.D photo on the noticeboard before J1s come in next yr. becuz it doesn really look good. just couldn be bothered much this yr, but next yr got juniors, musn be that same ugh photo. so ya.

then in the evening we went to Suntec.My B.O.D got Stanley, Yen Mei, Michelle, Peng Juay, Kee Liang, Cai Lin, Jun Meng, Arthur and me. DSC com got Caleb, the chairperson, Jeremy, the vice-chair, Wei Yen, the logistics i/c and Xiao Woon, the project i/c. I met them late la, so they already bought movie tix for me, without telling me~ again. And then my B.O.D hor, ALWAYS watches shows i don watch. They bought tix for KungFu Hustle or something, a movie by Stephen Chow. Ok la. i watch comedies. only i don really watch action movies. hahah. But it turned out ok. in fact, quite a good break. i mean, i seriously needed a laugh. i laughed till i almost choked. hahha. but got some gory parts too, where me and Xiao Woon, beside me will use our bags to cover our eyes. hahah. But the rest was hilarious cuz so exaggerated. i mean, stephen chow, u can guess rite. haha. oh ya, and the ending was sweet. i like happy endings. i like experiencing a fairytale once in a while in the movie theatre even if in real life my life is one big tragedy.

After movie we waited for Yen Mei who went to watch another show. Then we walked out together, we saw Ms Wong outside Carrefour and a male teacher, tink is chem tcher inside Carrefour,both from our sch. Then Ms Wong said Mrs Lim, our principal was in the building too. haha. and for the first time i saw students searching and chasing after their principal. it usually is another way round, u see. =P Saw alot of pple too. on my way there and home. Saw a few sec sch peeps, a few juniors... hahah. Budden City Hall, Orchard all that is like that wan mah. rite?

Oh. but those were just a record of daily events. wad i really wanna blog about is...
i sat down last nite and decided to put my messy life into order. I mean, it is a mess, and it has been a total mess for 17yrs. So i went to the root of the problem. Which is my lack of confidence in myself. It really is a long story la. To briefly summarize, from young, i've been told i'm stupid, lousy, irritating and watnot by pple around me. And den in sec sch, every year something happens to wreck my confidence, the confidence i've been attempting to re-build. So i got sick and tired and of it. and decided to just convince myself i AM that bad. there is nothing good abt me. Ya, i am not pretty, i am not smart, i am nothing. fine. so i developed this inferiority complex which now i am so trapped in. Wadeva happens, i tell myself i cant do it. afterall, i cant do anything rite? So i became so super pessimistic abt things. I always think of the worser than worse that can happen. And maybe cuz i have more than a normal share of pple who constantly help me keep this up, by telling me i really am useless. and i am right to not believe in myself. and everything is my fault. No matter wad crops up, i have to change, because i'm at fault.

So now. i am so tired of that. i want to find myself again. I want to re-claim the confidence Li Si said pple had borrowed. I need to believe in myself. I have dreams. I want to work towards them, and i'll be losing half the battle by telling myself i cant ever do it. But now, i don tink the result matters that much le. Because wad really matters is, i tried. i will try my best. i don care wad happens. i believe God will give me wad he knows is best for me. And that, honestly, is good enough. I made a prayer to God. I want nothing more now, than him. I noe things wont become super smooth sailing even after i made such a decision. I know even with God, it'll still be as difficult as it was. But i noe God promised me strength to carry on. Nothing is impossible in God. I completely trust in that. And wadeva God plans must be for a reason, and must be the best. God has worked in such miraculous ways in my life, except i've been too busy to realise. I said a big thank you to God. But no thank you can be big enough. i know. For once, i want to completely hand over the controller of my life to God. The only person worthy and in the best position to do this job. =)

i feel so much happier after that prayer. I feel so... relieved i noe i wont continue to make a mess out of my life. I noe i need alot alot of support to get through this. And i suddenly noticed the pple who has always always been there, whether i see them or not. The pple whom God has placed in my life to help me through, to support me. His biggest blessing to me. My parents, even my brother, chiayi, jie, hui min, xin ru... and also pple who has been around, for however short a time period. ZhiQing, Xin Tong...haha.and for pple who has cared but i never tot cared. =) u noe who u are.

I just feel happier la. Now i've stepped out of finding myself. Yay! Maybe, just maybe, this is wad they mean by growing up. I want to leave that awkward teenage stage behind. I wanna be a confident, but humble young lady.

And i believe i can do it. =) esp with the help of the angels around me. i noe i can. *Grinz* I will learn to give thanks for these pple and everything i have or don haf even. like if i hadn't gone through all these i had, i would never come to today. rite? RITE.
Joyce at 1:43 PM

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